Fear factor

The harsh side of life tends to sneak up on you, when you least expect it. 

Most people call them "panic attacks". Some people call them "anxiety attacks". I'm not sure how they are clinically defined or distinguished. I see it as a matter of preference, if you ask me. Panic triggers anxiety. Panic leads to anxiety. Anxiety invites panic. It's like you're trapped in the most horrifying haunted house there is. 

Once you get your foot stuck in the door, there's no point of return. You're locked up inside the ghastly house of horror, confused, scared, and all alone in complete darkness. You want to get out in the worst way, but your hands are tied and your legs are chained. Anxiety takes complete control over you. 

When this huge monster tackled me and knocked me down the second time around, anxiety took a hold of me. Incarcerated in my own fearful mind, I shivered and shuddered at the mere thought of dying. Death was something surreal and distant in my life until then. The thought of death was killing me, but I did not want to die. 

Not being able to accept and surrender to what was happening to me, I kept fighting, trying hard to run from it. I was in denial for the longest time. The more I tried to fight it, the stronger the monster grew. The farther away I tried to run from it, the faster the monster chased me and hunted me down. Resistance was futile.

My visits to the doctors spiraled out of control. I would google my symptoms, self-diagnose, and make appointments one after another. Anyone who's never experienced serious anxiety would call me crazy, but I was devasted every time my test results came back negative. Why can't they tell me that there is something wrong with my body? Instead of a sense of relief, I felt even worse.

I was desperately searching for an answer, looking for a name to identify myself with. if there was a name for it, woudn't I know what to do and get myself back on track again?? I was so wrong. I was failing with flying colors. Failing myself. 

Terrified of not knowing the unknown, I kept pushing myself, digging the rabbit hole deeper and deeper until I hit the rock bottom. It was the darkest place I'd ever been. Crouched in fear, feeling totally naked and cold, I needed help. I didn't want to be alone in there. I couldn't stand the thought of being alone. It was the scariest feeling I've ever experienced.  

I was never one to ask for help nor good at asking for help. Why can't I do what I do for others? Drop everything and reach out. 

As a matter of fact, asking for help was one of the greatest take-aways I've learned from it all, learning to let go, letting myself be vulnerable. Be seen, bare naked. They hated to see me suffer, but no one hated me. Maybe I needed to go through this to let myself know that I was OK, just the way I was.