The black dog

I remember how I used to be a dog person before cats won my heart over.

Who would’ve thought I would actually own a dog ?? Of all the dogs out there, it was a black dog that came into my life, metaphorically speaking. Who let the dog out?? Hahaha. It feels great that I can laugh about it now!

With so little energy left, barely enough just to stay afloat, I was literally deteriorated, disconnected from my "self". It was like living a nightmare, except I was wide awake and conscious day and night. Awake but awful. Conscious but confounded. I slowly lost myself after years and decades of not paying attention to myself. I needed to find myself again, but I had no idea where to begin.

Having lost the strength and the will power to hold on to the things that used to occupy a huge part of my identify, letting them go was the easy part. At a snap of a finger. Just like that, they were all gone. Workaholic. Perfectionist. Control freak. Disease to please. I was suffering, but I felt liberated at the same time. I felt as tthough I was free at last, unchained  from all the stuff that had gotten the better of me all this time. 

When you’re reduced to the lowest level of needs hierarchy, your desire is demolished and your materialistic needs disappear. My only craving was staying alive and breathe the air without fear again.

Strangely, the more I suffered, the deeper my gratitude and love for everything and everybody grew. My family. My friends. All things nature. They were there for me when I needed them the most.

Wrapped up in their kindness and warmth like a baby swaddled in a security blanket, I felt so safe and protected.  

Fear kept knocking on my door. I don't recall letting it in (why would I?), but fear found its way through and made itself at home. It stayed with me forever. I didn't know how to kick it out. I also didn't realize I was the one that wanted it to stay. As ironic and non-sensical as it sounds, it was true. Somewhere deep within my subconsciousness, I was holding on to fear for whatever purpose it was serving.